May 8, 2007 0

news i wish about me

By in Uncategorized

Hey, did you know…to lose weight, a person needs to eat fewer calories than she or he is burning?

Some of you may be thinking, “yeah, no shit, dumbass” but this is one of the TOP NEWS STORIES here in Centre County. I’ve been commenting on the news a lot, and I really think it’s because every day I check out the CDT online or CNN top stories and the stories get more inane and ridiculous. Until the next asinine news article, I will leave you some excerpts of news articles I’ve collected that I wish were written about me…


A woman in a wheelchair who swung knives and a hammer at relatives and police died after being shocked by a stun gun, officials said.

A woman pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in connection with a bizarre incident in February that resulted in a fake penis being microwaved at a convenience store.

A 22-year-old woman was arrested after authorities say she tried to hire someone to kill another woman whose photo appeared on her boyfriend’s MySpace.com Web page.

A northwestern Pennsylvania woman used her 4-week-old baby as a weapon during a domestic dispute, swinging the infant through the air and striking her boyfriend with the child, authorities said.

An elderly woman died Thursday morning in a freak accident in which she was run over by her own car.

A 53-year-old woman who claimed she received spiritual messages from geese before allegedly stabbing her toddler granddaughter to death was found not guilty by reason of insanity Friday.

A woman forced an 83-year-old housemate to smoke crack cocaine so she could steal personal information to get a credit card and run up more than $3,000 in charges, authorities said.

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