Archive for March, 2003

March 3, 2003 0

By in Uncategorized

famous women in history part 1:

march is women’s history month, so i’d like to take a little bit of time to dedicate this month to some great gals that have really made their mark in history and inspired me. guys…you know you love them, girls…you know you want to be them. so lets appreciate some influential women!

tonya harding

tonya harding

tonya harding used to be a kickass ice skater. i was watching the day she did like 9175023 triple axels in competition. but she didn’t stay on top. oh no. the trailer park princess had a little competition with nancy kerrigan, the…ice skating princess come olympic time. hey, the olympics are a huge deal, & what better way to win than to beat your competitors…literally. so she got her deadbeat ex-husband to find someone to bash nancy kerrigan in the knee…whyyyyyyyyy meeeeeeeeeeeeeee? not only did nancy kerrigan still go to the olympics, but she even got a silver medal! poor tonya. poor poor tonya when her skate laces broke & she started crying in front of the judges. she’s banned forever from ice skating.

amy fisher

amy fisher

when this long island lolita was 16 she knocked on the door of mary jo buttafuoco’s house & shot her in the head because she was sleeping with her husband, joey. depending on which movie you see, amy is portrayed as the slutty little tramp seducing the car mechanic, or she’s the poor innocent teenager being taken advantage of by this grease ball. either way, it doesn’t matter! she goes apeshit & shoots the wife! you should feel sorry for mary jo not because she was shot, but because her husband was made out to look like a real retard on tv & she stayed with him. anyway, since being freed from prison she decided to start an anti-gun campaign & is now a newspaper columnist.

mary kay letourneau

mary kay letourneau

i’ve got it bad, got it bad, got it bad…i’m hot for student! mary kay letourneau was a teacher who had sex with her 13 year old student. not only that, but she got pregnant. instead of the kid’s parents being all like, “wow son…an older married woman?! score!!” they got angry & had her hauled off to prison. when she got out she wasn’t supposed to see the kid again, but she didn’t care. & she went & got pregnant by him again! statutory rape yadda yadda yadda…poor lady, she just really liked this kid…& what 13 year old is gonna turn down a chance to get laid?

monica lewinsky

monica lewinsky

do i even need to give you a recap of monica?! she blew the president, got busted, & was one of the biggest laughing stocks in america for quite some time. if you’re gonna fool around with a pervert president, the least you can do is not get caught. the media went wild with this, & to further prove the ridiculousness of american politics, we had the whole dubya/gore situation at the next election. please take us seriously! anyway, thanks monica, for making us never look at a cigar in the same way again & the whole sperm on the dress deal. i guess if she learned anything, she learned to pick friends that wont spill the beans of your intimate flings with the president.

oh, & there is more, my friends. i’m just tired of writing, so you’ll get part 2 tomorrow. so, appreciate women this month, & buy them drinks at the bars. especially if they’re skinny brunettes, although don’t get them a pitcher of monkey boys, because they will get really drunk & throw up all night instead of going to get free caricatures & do videoke