Archive for September, 2003

September 28, 2003 0

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an excerpt from last night’s mad libs –

Wife: What about the time you forgot to dry hump the dog, and we had to take it to the fat kid so that it could have its wang put in a splint. Poor thing, it has never been able to titty fuck since then.

September 26, 2003 0

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my friend comes out of the bathroom of cafe 210 & asks me if i wrote my website on the wall. i go running in, & alas, i did! i vaguely remember that! hoorah! i dunno what it is about cafe, but i go in there all fired up. i’m like a maniac. & i am the free shit queen, good god, i owned it. my free bud light glow stick lit the way through my house so i didn’t stumble around in the dark. bless the free shit bud light guys & candiflyp, for making my free shit dreams come true.

& here’s another thing…nothing amuses me more than certain aol profiles. the classics are these guys who are all like ‘bros before hoes’ & talking shit on chicks…& then are fucking pussy whipped to the max when they get girlfriends…all like, oh ‘i <3 my schnookums, you are my twue wuv 4evr & evr.' please, kill me if i ever get all gay in my profile over a boy like that. i would now like to share testicle fruit with you. we were checking out the exotic fruit in the grocery store, & they had these suckers. it said they tasted like grapes so we decided to try them. they weren’t bad tasting, but something was not quite right. it’s the texture or something, but they look & feel like what i imagine a testicle looks & feels like. it was kind of a grayish color, too. this testicle fruit is getting a bit old & starting to get soft & lumpy & purplish.

testicle fruit testicle fruit
September 25, 2003 0

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oh man…did i find some interesting stuff today…

basically, while going through old files & disks to prepare to transfer my files to my new computer, i found a shitload of cam images from waaaaaaaaaaay back in the day that i thought i’d lost years ago. & boy, are there some gems. either i was drunk a lot when i took pictures, or the logitech was just a camgirl’s nightmare. i think it’s the latter, as no lighting & head tilting could help. or maybe i was just ugly back then, who knows. But time to take a trip down memory lane!

now, i don’t know if i ever told you the “american pie” story before, but it’s great, so i’ll tell it again. so here’s my first roommate from my very first semester at college, dawne. she was fat & from this yuck town that i don’t like.

fatty

yeah, so this was right when i started having the cam on my site & like, only my friends & 20 or so people would visit. so this guy i knew was watching, & i aimed the cam at fatty’s bed…i’d hide it behind the monitor. so she comes into the room & is getting ready to take a shower & goes to take off her clothes. right in front of her bed. dead center in the cam image. she strips down to her undies without a clue that it’s being broadcast on the ‘net. & i had no idea she would do this. what makes it even better is that my friend who was watching thought for a second that it was me…& told his roommate to watch. they were then horrified to realize it was fatty because they both hated her. it was so perfectly amazing. except i didn’t save pictures. god, where was camrecord back in 1999??

you know, i have a lot to tell about fatty. wow, had i had a blog back then, i’d be the shit. i’d have funny stories, yo! lets see, there was her love of boy bands, the 3 cans of aqua-net she’d go through a day, the “90% angel” & “don’t make me use my pepper spray, dork” stickers she had all over the room, the sperm videokie…oh god…

my first apartment

time to move on to my very first apartment, & ultimately my favorite apartment. this place kicked ass, with it’s 70s feel. i had a bedroom & a den, & the shit was cheaper than my studio apartment. looking at that picture i feel all warm & cozy. god i miss that place, even though more often than not there was a decaying meat/feces stench emanating from out back. there was also the freak incident where the apartment was literally taken over by armies of ants for a couple of days. i only subletted for the summer, & i wanted to live there that next year, but these had to have been the shittiest & shadiest realtors i’ve had the displeasure of dealing with, so i got the shaft. what can you do, i guess.

mystery jar

& who could forget the mystery jar of my sophomore year in the dorms? since the apartment deal went sour, i had to go back to the dorms. but at this point i was ok with it, because i wanted that t1. but when i was moving into the dorm over winter break, i found this nasty jar under my desk. we were like WTF IS THIS?? i seriously thought it was vomit in a jar. so my roommate is bulimic, great. or the old roommate, since it was under my desk. i saw that hbo movie about the eating disorder chick who’d puke into jars & then throw them in the river, so people wouldn’t hear her tossing cookies in the bathroom. turns out no one was bulimic after all (that i know about) & the offending substance was tahini.

ok, well, that is all for now on this blast from the past. but don’t think i haven’t saved the best for last. oh fucking yes. you wanna know where it all began??

my very first impersoNAYtion, circa early 2001…


CLICK ME

September 24, 2003 0

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last week i went to this volunteer fair because i’m really into this volunteering kick, & i could use a few more places to volunteer at. right now i’m volunteering for the centre county historical society & i love it. i’m in this gorgeous mansion filled with gorgeous old things. i’ve only been there a few weeks, but i know this is definitely something i want to do for a living.

but back to the volunteer fair… the one place i was interested in is not interested in me. that’s pretty bad when places will turn you down for volunteer opportunities. & the other place i wanted to volunteer for pretty much wants your soul in return. they need weeks of training, my social security #, a resume, & letters of reference. to work for free. it’s kinda…weird. frankly, i’d be too embarrassed to ask someone to write a letter of recommendation so i could volunteer somewhere. i’ll need their help for my real jobs, & it’s not like people have nothing better to do in their free time than write letters of recommendation.

but on a good note, i did score a volunteer job being a witch at a haunted halloween thing. you only have to look as far as the survivorcam section to know that i will do a totally awesome job at it. & i’m gonna get a free shirt out of it!! god, i love halloween. any excuse to dress up in ridiculous costumes & have people not look at you funny is golden. i think i’m gonna wear a different costume every time i go out. ahhh, well still over a month to plan. i really like fall, just thought you’d all like to know.

& today i went to the career fair! dude, i got so much cool free shit, it’s off the hook! i got a lot of crap, but i got some neat stuff, too. the real goodies were from johnson & johnson. i got band-aids, body wash, a toothbrush, floss, medicine, soap…& i got this wicked toy thing from lucent technologies. i got a t-shirts, lipgloss, balls, frisbees, a whistle, key chains, an irs mousepad, cups, a ton of pens & pencils… god. & i’d warn you about kearney & co…they can’t even make free yo-yos that work. & this time i didn’t care…when i saw something i wanted, i took it. yeah. so i went for the free stuff. i even gave my résumé to 2 people! 1 only cuz they asked me for it, & the other place i actually wanted to talk to. i don’t expect a job in my future, but who cares! what a wonderful day.

September 19, 2003 0

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isabel

sir, you’re grammar is driving me nuts. if i was hurricane isabel, i’d aim straight for the retard’s shop for not knowing the difference between the possessive & the contraction.

even though i decided to drive to boston during hurricane floyd (which resulted in me being stranded at a gas station plaza for hours without electricity) , i’m passing on going out to the bars tonight. this is actually a bad weekend for izzy to have hit & i’m not too happy. since i’m in, there better be shit flying around outside. that would be cool. so far i’m not impressed.

i’m getting a new computer soon! i ordered that puppy last night so i have to wait a few weeks before it gets here, but still…yay! this computer is almost 5 years old & just not cutting it. oh boy, i can’t wait to transfer my gigs of pure shit over to my new computer, & spend days redownloading all my programs. that’s gonna be so much fun!!

September 17, 2003 0

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i was on unscrewed again last night. a little late after the fact, i know, but yeah, catch the rerun or something. i lost. & it’s ok, really.

yesterday my mom got really pissed off at me. apparently she came into my room to tell me she needed the car for a doctor’s appointment yesterday morning. i apparently was talking to her & all. this was great & all until i get the angry call later on that day. she’s all freaking out & yelling at me, saying she told me she needed the car. now, not being conscious when she had told me this, i’m really confused. she then throws a hissy fit when i bring the car back home. & i get mad cuz you can’t yell at me for telling me something when i’m sleeping. it’s not like i forgot it…i am not aware of this conversation at all. right, so then she used up the toilet paper & didn’t put a new roll on tonight. obviously an attempt to get back at me for either the car incident or for the tons of time i didn’t put a new roll on. life is hard.

ok now i have a question for you all out there…especially those who specialize in medicine. so, lets say a man dies. & his wife wanted to have another baby with him…especially now that he’s dead, so that his memory can live on or whatever. so lets say someone finds him not long after he dies so he’s still kinda fresh. how long can the sperm stay alive, if say the wife wanted his sperm extracted so she could go the old turkey baster route? organ transplants have that window, so i wonder how the sperm deal goes. these are the thought provoking questions we discuss while watching days of our lives on the wacky tobaccy.

September 15, 2003 0

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feminem

so today i’m reading the comics & parade like i do every sunday, & in the personality parade section there was something about this white rapper chick dubbed feminem. what is so fucked up is that i totally already thought of this a long time ago. i saw an untapped resource & i was all up on that shit. well, the idea part anyway. & nuh-uh girlfriend, this trick ass ho is tryin’ to get all up in my shit, but no she ain’t. with the right marketing, promotion, & rap writers, i could totally find fame & fortune as a popular mainstream rapper. the ultimate mtv “becoming” or whatever that show is. & what’s funny is that i was watching mtv today & i was thinking about how i wish i could rap. like how awesome would it be if i could really rap. & well. like throw out some sick freestyles out of nowhere. i’d be the hit of every party. & if you knew me in person, it would be even funnier to imagine me hardcore rapping…because i wouldn’t know the hard knock life if it came up & bit me on the ass. so it would be off the hook. bow wow wow yippy yo yippy yay e.i. e.i. uh ohhhhhhhhhh like dur. i almost want to spend my days practicing…maybe my dream can come true! but fuck this sarai chick, i thought of it first.

another thing that got me thinking today was the recent helmet law change. motorcyclists now have the choice of whether or not to wear a helmet…it’s not required by law anymore. i don’t really agree with that, but whatever. what irks me, though, is the fact that just recently the seatbelt law changed. you now are required by law to wear your seat belt in a car. i find cars far more safe…i feel my changes of being thrown out of my car are far less than my chances of being thrown off a motorcycle (hypothetically speaking since i’ve only ridden on a bike once). i feel far safer being enclosed in a car, & you can survive an accident without a seatbelt. i’d think that on a motorcycle, if you got into an accident, without a helmet you’re so fucked. thoughts?

i also think i like the nick & jessica newlyweds show. it’s great, he always seems so pissed off at her. all i know is that i couldn’t live with that chick, i’d punch her lights out with that spoiled princess crap. it baffles me why they are together when she is just such a retard & constantly annoys him. but it’s so addicting to watch! so yeah, i think i might be watching that more.

& how about that bucs & panthers game?! as i’m not a sports fan, a game that i’ll actually talk about on here must be a fucking good game. i can’t believe tampa bay missed the extra point to win it! everything about that was just so intense. i totally wanted carolina to win after that, just as a nice kick in the face. & they did with that, what, 46+ yard field goal? nice.

September 13, 2003 0

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WOW. what an out of control night. so we went to this really gay party last night…& when i say gay, i mean lots of gay (as in homosexual) boys & gay (as in happy) fun! you all know how much i want a gay boyfriend to call my own, so to say i was excited for this event is an understatement. & where you find fags, you find fag hags…& big girls a lot of them are…anyway. as i assessed the situation, i realized this was a battlefield. i had to beat out all these girls to capture the heart of a boy who likes boys. but i did it! i met my gay boyfriend! i forgot his name, but he was my new gay friend in the blue shirt that hadn’t come out to his roommates yet (who must be deaf dumb & blind). but this story doesn’t have a happy ending. a crowded party it was, & my gay boyfriend slipped away. i lost my gay boyfriend.

but the story does not end here, my friends. so i’m in line for the keg & i’m looking around & the psycho who was subletting was at this party. & i’m just like, in shock but i’m just like, ‘oh hey what’s up.’ at this point, i let the people at the keg know i need my beer now being an emergency & all, & i tear through that house looking for alison (my old roommate) cuz she would beat this chick down. they’re both outside & alison starts yelling at this chick. it was golden. alison is one of those scary chicks who likes to yell & fight & stuff. nothing went down, unfortunately, but there was drama & i like drama. the girl was ready to cry & it was great. honestly, i wouldn’t have minded getting the hundred-some bucks she owes me out of her face with my roommate’s fist. she also didn’t pay the roommate she was subletting from. she owes him for 2 month’s rent & some other shit, & he’s taking her ass to court. i might see if there’s a way i can jump in on that lawsuit. god it would feel good.

& just to make this post really long, i’ll talk about work! it’s parent’s weekend & the id office is all jazzed up with balloons, decorations, & food & drinks & stuff. now, i’m the queen of free stuff, but is it wrong that people are pissing me off because they come into the office to take stuff & then leave? i mean, if we were a booth & our purpose was to give out free stuff for promotions & shit, it’s totally cool. but these people blatantly come in the office & take our drinks. they keep coming in over & over again to take more, too & it pisses me off. at least ask a question or look somewhat interested in the id office. & when it was all gone, no one came into the office. it was sweet. but oh boy, did people follow the food serivce people like a pack of hungry wolves when they came back to replenish the stock. oh man, this is great…the big boss guy is leaving & he told us to go outside to tell people to come in for the free stuff. i’d rather not have people wandering in to take stuff & hover over my desk filling out sweepstake shit. but anyway, as the true hypocrite i am, i’m gonna go out to the tables in the lobby to score me some free shit!

update: oh sweet jesus i made a killing at the careers in science thing. free pen, floss, neutrogena rainbath, & a datebook! i looked like an ass to those people i’m sure, but i tried to sound interested. i was gonna go back for pizza, but there’s just not enough people inside. i’d have to hang out & talk to people & be like “oh yeah, i majored in bionuclear engineering.” & that wouldn’t fly.

September 10, 2003 0

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calling all macintosh fanatics! i need help! & soon…before i chuck all the centre county historical society’s macs out the window. oh, & like, i need help by 10 am today. anyway, onward! so, the macs have many problems, but priority numero uno is getting this digital camera to work. i’m sure all you die hard mac users know your macs like the rest of us know our pc’s & can laugh at my seemingly sheer stupidity, but work with me here.

ok so we have this old kodak dc 290 digital camera. it’s compatible with os x, which is what we’re using. but the computer wont connect to the camera. & we’ll get the obvious out of the way…yes, the camera is on. yes, the camera is set to connect. yes, the cables are connected securely. yadda yadda. & the cables are where the problem lies. we don’t have a usb cable. i would think one might have come with the camera, but i can only work with what we’ve got at the moment. i will illustrate with pictures, because even though i know i needed a usb converter thingy, everyone else i sought apparently seemed to think i was asking them to walk on water or something.

so this is what’s in the box:

serial cable

round part plugs into camera, other end plugs into a pc. i’m not that retarded. so i’m thinking i need something like this, cuz you can’t go wrong with usb:

usb cable

but no one had that at all the computer stores. so i figured i would have to get a usb serial adapter. round part would go into camera, serial would connect in the middle, usb would go into computer, & everything would be ok:

adapter

you better believe i was on a mission today for this adapter. circuit city gave me the wrong thing & i had to go back out & get the right one. & i could not find anyone anywhere who had this shit. & so when i finally get back to the society, the fucking thing doesn’t work. & the best thing about it is that i get “unknown camera error” so i can’t even get a hint at what’s wrong. so i’m thinking it’s the cables. well, it better be the cables, or else i give up, i don’t know what else to do. & this stupid digital camera deal is basically all i’m doing at the society.

SO, i guess my question is….does:

serial cable

+

adapter

=

usb cable

????

can someone give me the lowdown?

September 9, 2003 0

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i was gonna write something kinda interesting but then i changed my mind. i need some motivation bad. like it’s getting almost ridiculous how tired & drained & unmotivated i am, but i wont do anything about it. my list of things to do is fairly small & insignificant…obviously nothing immediate i need to do, but it’s still annoying. it bothers the shit out of me that there’s this nagging list of info i need to look up, stores i need to go to, notes i need to write, loose ends i need to tie up, but there’s just no good time to do it. i always say, i don’t feel like doing this now…i’ll do it tomorrow! i wont be tired & i will have motivation tomorrow! & then tomorrow comes & it’s the same old story. god damn.

i want to change this site a bit. i’m thinking more along the lines of keeping it simple, stupid. trying not to be such a pack rat. but i don’t know. but obviously, with my motivation in severe retardation mode, nothing’s gonna happen any time soon, so forget i said anything.

i think i need rewards for accomplishing daily tasks. but you know…showering & going outside have been daily accomplishments before, so i guess i’m not as bad off as i thought. i’m volunteering at the centre county historical society now & god knows every once in awhile i actually cross something off my to-do list. but i swear, i need a deadline or a real reward for writing these stupid thank you notes, for example. cuz you know i should really do them tomorrow, but if i don’t, so what? blah blah i’ll get to it later, but later never becomes now.

that’s what i miss about school. i never stopped procrastinating, but at least then i had my deadline. i had to do my shit, it just got pushed to the last minute. now, i’m only procrastinating things that are important to me. i think inspirational motivational tapes & seminars are queer, but shit, i think i need them. my life is gonna pass me by quick. i got the right thinking for sure, but not that kick in the ass. & i don’t even have the excuse of having a job!

but i still have lots of stories to tell that i’m figuring i’ll get around to someday. don’t worry!

but interestingly enough, i did write this post…although definitely on the bottom of my to-do list. i give up.

oh…& i’m not saying this because i live here & have been single for like, most of my life, but this “article” is a joke. their sole criteria is the amount of young people in a town. congrats for figuring out how many young people live in a city. there’s more to dating than being under 25. seriously. would it kill you to consider a few other factors? so for best cities for singles & dating, try reading forbes’ & money’s top cities list. i find them oh, just a tad more credible. well, who the fuck knows really, since it’s not like i really know what other cities’ dating scenes look like. but i think their list is weak. state college is pretty ok, don’t get me wrong, but i might as well throw in the towel if state college is as good as it gets when it comes to dating.